if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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