if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
