i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
