I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
did i walk over a car last night?
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
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