You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
Randomize
