i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Randomize
