I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
Randomize
