I feel like I'm in dance class right now
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
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