Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Randomize
