I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Randomize
