been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
