my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
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