I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
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You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
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I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
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