is your mom at the bar?
We named our party play list daddy issues
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
