I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
