I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
my penis made a compromise with my morals
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
