My sheets look like a crime scene.
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I'm getting married
To pizza
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
