i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
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