Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Randomize
