someone threw a dead crab at me
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
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