everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
All I want is dick and wine.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Randomize
