she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
My life is pants optional.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
