it's too hot outside to masturbate.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
