Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
