Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
