i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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