ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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