as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
I will pee on everything he values.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
