OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Randomize
