i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
