Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
