There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
Well you know what I always say about freshmen.... If you want it, and they've got it... get it.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
