I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
