how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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