remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
Who put my cat in the fridge?
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
