apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
