you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
