Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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