just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
