he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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