Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
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