So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Randomize
