I can tuck mytits in my pants
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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