and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Randomize
