I feel like abortions should bother me more
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Randomize
