I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
used his ipod to set the mood...1st song was livin on a prayr 2nd song was disco stick
i expected more from guys that i meet at the jersey shore.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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