Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
Randomize
