I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Randomize
