i dedicated my morning wood to you.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
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