The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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