Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
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