New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Randomize
