guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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