Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
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we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
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