mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Randomize
