There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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