hotel room ftw
I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Randomize
