the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
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